I choose to live by my own rules

Well, needless to say it has been a whirlwind at my house-the last two weekends have been saturated with birthday parties and all the jazz that comes along with it. 

And don't misunderstand me, I do love it, because I love to see my kids happy and I love to celebrate their birth.......after all, the births of my children are my best and favorite memories.  But, that said-pheeeeeeewwwww!  I'm so glad it's done(at least for the boys) for now.  For Meredyth's 4th birthday we will just have a family gathering.....I refuse to do the big parties until they're in school and have classmates, etc....too much work and I personally don't want to have to deal with other people's children until absolutely necessary. 

It is moments like now, when I'm exhausted from two weekends in a row of birthday parties, I rememeber that I am in a good place with my kids.  Sure, I absolutely cherish those moments when I gave birth, when I held my newborn.......but I'm so over it.  I'm so past that stage in my life.  God bless the wonderful folks who have more babies, more power to them and I respect their decision (and I love to snuggle OTHER people's babies-because I can give them back), but pheeeeeeeewww, thank God I'm where I am.  I'm ready for the moments ahead with my children at the ages they are at.  Watching Cooper and all of the changes he is going through, his cracking voice and his strange little fuzzy mustache that seems to be sprouting.  (still not sure when they start shaving, but his upper lip looks like something from an 80's movie)  Watching Rafe move into the double digits with ease, walking to and from the school bus daily like such a big kid.  Then, Meredyth......such a "big" little girl.  Almost a year past being potty trained and having a binky-those days seem so long ago.  She loves to paint her nails, write her name and numbers (although this is a work in progress) and is finally coming out of her shell with other kids......to an extent. 

I'm in a good place. 

I have had a couple good months of....how shall I word it.......coming into myself, finding myself, prioritizing.  My future career is becoming a reality.  For 13 years, I have worked around my kids.  When Cooper and Rafe were babies, I worked in a daycare, so I could be with my babies, yet still provide income for our household.  It was pretty ideal, really.  I was paid decent and I didn't have to pay a penny for my boys to be there.  And I loved it then.  I could never do daycare again. 

Then I moved into different various part time jobs/odd jobs such as delivering the Great Falls tribune, waitressing, trying to sell Southern Living at Home products (those at home businesses are WAY too much work in my opinion), selling Avon, and babysitting in my home. 

Well, once I had one degree, I decided I needed to get experience in the field I eventually want to work in, which is the field of human services.  So, for two years now I have been working as a Therapeutic Youth Mentor for Yellowstone Boys and Girls ranch.  I do enjoy it, the kids I've worked with are beyond awesome.  BUT, I'm ready for something new.  I'm ready to do something bigger.  And honestly, I don't ever want to work with kids again.  I'm not saying I won't, God only knows what I will end up doing once I'm looking, but I know for a fact that I don't want to work with youth as a permanent career path.  And it's nothing against them....seriously.  I just want to do something different.  I don't want to get a job that when people hear I'm doing it, they'll say....oh that makes sense, that's a good fit.  Fuck that. 

Granted, I'm nothing special, but I didn't do all of the coursework I do simply to be a mentor or babysitter for the rest of my life.  My degrees will be Addictions Counseling and Psychology, the coursework I have taken ranges from Psychology to Sociology to Criminology.  Because of my experience with my current job, I most definitely have two years now under my belt of working directly with the counseling/psychology field.  This is good.  I want more.  I have honestly never been so excited in my life to start the new chapter that will be my career.  How many of you can say that?  Now, because I still have a three year old at home and one semester left of school, the career has to go on hold, and that's okay.  More time to prepare.  Right?

Now to the other aspects of my life.  There is a small part of me that started to feel old about a year ago.  Overweight, tired, graying hair, new wrinkles.  Then also within this past year I was confronted with the ordeal within my uterus (unknown cyst-is it cancer?  I won't know until they get it out).....so I face a hysterectomy.  All the women i speak with rave about how wonderful it is to never have a period again, to be rid of all of that.

 I firmly believe this impending hysterectomy is what has really changed me.  To begin with, I was faced with the possibility of having cancer.  Although slim (THANK YOU GOD), the chance that it was in there petrified me and still does.  Then there was the idea that the parts of my body that brought my three babies into this world would be removed, made me physically and emotionally ill.  Call me crazy, but I actually don't mind my period and since I've never suffered from PMS, cramps or any of that junk very badly, it just isn't the nuisance to me that others bitch about.  The only reason I am getting this surgery is to get rid of that damn cyst.

 I don't feel old anymore, though.  I feel like I'm becoming who I am meant to be. 

My family is my priority. 

I'm not investing time into relationships that don't nurture me and help me grow.  I am not doing "fake" anymore.  It's a waste of my precious time.  I am a grown up and respect everyone from my life, past and present.  I won't pull stupid kid games, such as gossiping about you......or my favorite, unfriending and blocking you on Facebook (that gives me a giggle just saying it-sounds like something my 13 year old son would be all up in arms about).  I have more important things going on.  My husband, my children, my parents, sisters, grandma, aunts, cousins and my school and future career.....they get my attention.  As it should be.  If you are kind to me, I will be kind to you.  But the truth is, I used to care what others thought of me and I just don't do that anymore.  I really don't.

I have always loved to read.  I have always convinced myself that when I'm taking classes, I don't have time to read anything but school texts.  Not anymore.  Now, I make time to read a good book.  It really is my favorite thing in the whole world, to get that giddy feeling in my stomach I get when I can't wait to get back to a book I'm reading. 

I love laughing with my sisters.  I love that they are the two people in the world who know me best.  I love that when I complain, they cheer me on and validate my feelings.  I love that when I cry happy tears, they cry with me.  I love that they never criticize me and always stand by my side no matter what.  I love that for 35 years, these two women have become nothing short of my soul mates.  I sometimes joke about the power of 3 (google if you don't know what I'm talking about).  We can read each others' minds often, we sometimes finish each others' sentences and when we get together, the entire world around us disappears. (Just ask my mom)

This is one of those moments, where I shout from the rooftops, "Life is Grand!"  I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I make my own rules and it feels good.

birthday ponderings

I am 35 years old today. 
16 years ago, if you had asked me what I would be doing at age 35, I probably would have told you I wouldn't be alive.  No, I don't have some courageous story about a heroic battle with disease or a near miss car accident or a heroic battle as a soldier or something along those lines, and I thank God for that every day.  I do have a messed up story of a lost little girl who believed drugs and alcohol made dreams come true and that sex = love.

This little girl didn't know what to do after high school, this little girl had average grades and a broken teenage heart and instead of letting this make her stronger, let it partially destroy her and define her.  I left high school and to make a long story short, became involved with a rough crowd.  I drank heavily, became a smoker and experimented with drugs that shall remain nameless.  I fell for this guy, a cook at the restaurant where I was a waitress.  In hindsight, oh my gosh-he was just a kid!  But back then, we were close in age and I worshiped the ground he walked on.  He liked me, but far from as much as I liked him. 

But I was blind to that at the time.  Now as a mother of sons, I look at "that Liz" and think....oh my God, I hope my sons never have a crazy like her in their lives. 
Without going into detail and to make a long story short, the shooting happened (and those of you who know me know what I'm talking about.)  Although I definitely didn't spend every night in this boys bed, I very often did sleep there.  But I thank God I wasn't there this fateful night, this night when this boy, this boy I desperately cherished and adored, was murdered.  Along with his brother, he was brutally murdered in his own bed as he slept. 

For the record, this boy has and always will hold a piece of my heart.  I will never forget him, I think of him often and who he would be today and that will never change.

But after this, my life changed.  I was scared straight and began to turn my life around.  I quit using drugs and drinking. 

I was still lost and well......I think I might still be a little lost today.  Who isn't though, right? 

The day my husband came into my life truly saved me.  My husband has showed me unconditional love, my husband has taught me to be a better person and is always encouraging and loving when it comes to me and my dreams. 

I sometimes look back and think, wow......there's a chance if things had been different, I might not be here.  But instead of wallowing in the horrible that could have been, I look to the Heavens and say thank you....thank you for another chance, thank you for another day.

  I trip and fall everyday.

 I fail Him EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

But each day is a new beginning......and as I start my 35th birthday, I will be grateful and thank Him.  Instead of letting bad things invade my spirit, instead of letting negativity weigh me down and define me, I will learn from my mistakes, I will be STRONGER because of these things. 

And now I have to teach my kids what I didn't know at 19.  It's okay to mess up, it's okay to have your heart broken, it's okay to make some bad decisions.  And as a Psych major, I would say EMBRACE those feelings, acknowledge them and let them invade your soul for a little while!!

BUT instead of taking the "easy" road out, when life knocks you flat-STAND UP, dust off your butt, look fear and worry and uncertainty right in the eyes and say "Is that all you got bitch?"

4 more days

It occurred to me that one year ago (approximately) I began this blog.  I had this grand idea of how I was going to lose weight, be healthy, have more style and grace, have perfectly well adjusted children who always looked impeccable.....ALL by the age of 35.  Phew...then I would be done.  Done with the struggle, done with the stress, done done done. 
Life has a way of reminding you who is in charge.
 I'm not going to even go into the health and weight loss part of this story except to say that when I am ready, I will do it.  Eight years ago, I was ready.  I lost 80 pounds, was exercising daily and I recall thinking, "What the hell, that isn't that hard."  and secretly judging those who couldn't do it.  Well, karma has a funny way of doing its job, and now I am humbled.  No need to discuss further....my weight/my health are always a work in progress.
I guess what I would really like to change about myself is this "idea" in my head that on this certain date....life will be perfect.  Last year at this time, the goal was 35.  Of course setting goals is always a good thing, but I am learning a new vocabulary.  I physically stop what I'm doing when something good is happening and say to myself (or shout it sometimes!) "Wow, life is grand!"  or "I am so blessed!"  Yes, my life is chock full of stress, but that isn't going to change anytime soon, so why not sit back and enjoy the good things, the blessings in my life.  This is work, sadly.  It really takes me constantly being "in the moment" and constantly doing self assessments. 
Right now, my schoolwork feels like $%^%$^&**#(  Honestly I dread doing homework, I think sometimes I'd rather have someone poke hot pokers into my eyeballs.  But, I just keep reminding myself of the reward I will get this spring.  Walking across the UGF stage receiving my 2nd degree in two years, damn right I'm proud!  When I go back to work when miss Mere is in school, the ability to write down my two degrees on my resume-a feeling worth more than all the money in the world.
And my kids.....God bless these beautiful babies I have been entrusted with.  My 12 (13 in a couple weeks!) son...oh God bless him, his sweet soul, his caring heart.  I sometimes wish others could see him the way I am able to.  He comes across to others as crass, sometimes rude.  (And yes he can be at times)  But I watch this boy-yesterday I pick him up from school, Meredyth in my arms and watched as the world around Cooper disappeared as he pulled Meredyth into his arms, nuzzled his nose against her cheek and asked her about her day.  He carried her all the way to the van, the entire walk ooohing and aaahhhhing over the happenings of his 3 year old sister's day.  
Then my Rafe, well-he is Rafe, thoughtful, kind and always a peacemaker.  When I think of the blessings he brings to our household, oh gosh, there are no words.  When I am closed in my room doing homework, he will come in and offer to rub my shoulders or bring me hot tea.  If I am crying, he puts his arm around me and tells me it will be okay.  I love to watch this kid do things as he does everything with such conviction, passion and determination!  I pray this stays with him always.

Now to my little Meredyth.  From her insistance on helping with everything, from dishes to laundry to making beds to her (already) passion for reading and writing.  She LOVES to look at books and "read" to me.  She can't read yet, but she makes up stories as she goes along and then I re-read the book back to her.  She loves to count and can count to 20, she is so smart!  She is inquisitive and curious! She loves music and knows all the words to most of Taylor Swift songs, which makes me giggle.  My little snugglebug, I cannot imagine a life without her.
So, instead of setting a date for when life will be "perfect" I will just try to enjoy the perfect that comes with each day and be thankful.  Recently, I reached out, because we are stressing about finances getting us through Christmas.  Well, God came through and without going into detail, I know everything is going to be okay now.  No need to stress, God knows my husband and I work hard and he came through.
Peace is the word of the day, it is what I have been feeling for about a week now, and I am hoping it will carry me through.  My journey will not be done at 35!  So in honor of my 35th blessed life on this earth, I am changing my blog name to be more fitting.  This journey will (God willing) continue on and only get better with time.  I can FEEL it! 

"Lump in the throat" people

Do you ever get that homesick feeling?  It's the feeling in your gut, the one that causes a lump to form in the base of your throat and makes it hard to breathe.
Well, since I was a child this feeling has always been a frequent visitor for me.  Now that I am a psych major, I know that what causes this "homesick" feeling is anxiety. 
Tonight I had to stop at the store for a few things when I was overtaken by this "homesick" feeling unexpectedly.  Her name is Crystal and she works at Dr. Bennett's office.  I rounded a corner and there she was with Sydnee, her daughter.  Smiling and saying hello, we passed quickly, but the wave of homesickness I felt left me a bit disoriented.  Now, you probably are thinking, wtf?  Why did one of the office secretaries from your dr.'s office make you feel homesick?  Crazy, right?
First, I should explain that I used to watch Sydnee at the daycare.  And oddly enough, on my walk this afternoon, I started to really really miss one of my best friends, Besa.  Besa was my boss at the daycare and she was and still is my best friend.  I don't get to see her, she lives in Idaho now.  Besa is such a great friend, she is so funny and I love her sense of humor.  Besides enjoying going to work because I got to spend time with her (and many of my other wonderful friends), we would take walks and go eat dessert and drink coffee and talk.  Cheesecake, she makes these amazing cheesecakes.  Our talks....oh my goodness...I sometimes think Besa helped to form the mom I am today.  When I first met her, I was really pregnant with Cooper-she hired me to work at the Jungle Gym and our relationship just blossomed from there.  She had three kids, all older and gave great advice.  So to make a long story short,, when I saw Sydnee, memories of the Jungle Gym (when it wasn't a center, but just a small daycare) came flooding back.  Such good memories.  Then on top of that to see Crystal brought to mind Dr. B.

Dr. Bennett is possibly the most amazing woman I've ever met....that isn't like a close relative or best friend.  I first met her when I found out I was pregnant with Cooper.  She has delivered all three of my babies and I find it hard to imagine not feeling a bond with the person who helped to bring your babies into the world.  Dr. Bennett knows me....she works perfectly with my over anxious, ocd personality.  She knows just what to say to calm me when I'm crazy and to this day (13 years and some months) she has never been wrong, even when I have worried she was wrong.

 I have memories from each of my deliveries.  Cooper was my hardest by far.  I was young, extremely unhealthy and not prepared.  I had went into preterm labor and was on bedrest for the last six weeks of my pregnancy, I had this horrible allover body rash and even though he wasn't due until December 8th, Dr. B induced me on November 30th because my blood pressure was out of control and I had too much amniotic fluid.  Well Cooper wasn't cooperative and I was a bad pusher and two hours into pushing Dr. B looked at me and pretty much told me to stop being a big baby and get the job done!  She knew I needed a firm voice to get my butt in gear.  Another hour of pushing, he finally came. 

Then came Rafe.  I had worked an 11 hour day at the daycare, had just layed down in bed---and my water broke.  damn.  He was most definitely my easiest labor/delivery, though.  By the time I was snapping at my husband to quit rubbing my back and snapping at Gina the nurse to get me the goddamn spinal, it was too late.  Dr. B walked in about 30 seconds before Rafe popped out.  Easy Peasy!  I remember Dr. B telling me how much she liked his name and telling me he was such a beautiful baby.

Then came Meredyth.  Christmas morning, 4am, my water broke.  damn.  Well Meredyth wasn't so easy, she decided to crawl up into my ribs and hang out instead of heading south like she was supposed to.  But eventually she made her appearance, Christmas night about 9pm.  I apologized profusely to Dr. B for taking her away from her family for Christmas and she just smiled at me and said it was okay. 

Everytime I have a worry or a question, Dr. Bennett sits with me, looks in my eyes and answers my questions and reassures me. She laughs at my husband's stupid jokes and knows just how to handle when he misbehaves.(He asked her to add a couple of stitches after I tore giving birth to Cooper)   She always says the right thing and I am grateful every day for the blessing she has been to my family.  Heck, she helped make my family!  If I'm upset, just seeing her calms me. 

I am excited to see her in a couple of weeks as I am consulting her concerning Dr. Kent's diagnosis concerning my uterus and upcoming hysterectomy.  I want her to reassure me that I will be okay, because I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.

So, there's a bit about two important people in my life.  I don't have any pictures of Dr. Bennett to share, but I do have a few of Besa.  Two of them include some other people who are and were very important in my life, past friends who I don't see anymore.  Sadly, one is Belinda, who passed away a few years ago.  I'll save Belinda for another blog as that brings up a whole different bag of emotions.  But I do know this--- I wish everyone could have a "Besa" and a  "Dr. Bennett" in their lives. 

Will I ever see New York again?

The kids are in bed and I'm just pondering if I will ever visit New York again.  I feel lucky to say I have visited New York a couple of times.  The first time when I was in 5th grade and my sister was a nanny in Connecticut, we went to see her.  I was able to walk through Times Square, stroll the streets of NYC, visit Central Park, ride the subway and see Grand Central Station.  But I was in 5th grade....do you know how long ago that was??
 I did spend a very short time in New York again at the age of 19 when I went to meet a family I was going to nanny for.  They lived in Hastings on Hudson New York and I flew into Newark New Jersey, then met the family I was supposed to nanny for.  I was not ready and this experience fell through.  I am embarrassed to this day that I didn't just stick it out, but it is what it is and I can't turn back time. 
That experience was a growing experience for me, that's for sure.  I spent a few days  in a house with a really interesting family.  They were both psychiatrists (go figure) and they had a celebrity clientele to which I was not allowed to know the names of.  Their next door neighbor was Kenny Loggins.  They were of Jewish culture but did not believe in God.  They were vegetarians too and I was not allowed to bring meat into their home.  They had crazy fears of mad cow disease and told me horror stories about it.  Now of course none of this was stuff that was bad, but it was the absolute opposite of me for the most part and a huge culture shock.  They weren't super friendly and scared me.  They also had strange house rules and within a couple days I bolted.  19 year old scared shitless me grabbed a cab, drove through Brooklyn, the Bronx and headed back to Newark.  My plane was iced over, then once we were in the air I ended up flying all over the country because of white out conditions.  From Newark, NJ to Chicago, Ill to Dallas, TX to Denver, CO to Billings.  Then home to face the humiliation and frustration of failure.  My family didn't have to say a word, they were so disappointed in me.  Sad that I had failed to leave the nest.  But to see New York if even for just a few days, was a blessing.
My sisters visit New York on a more regular basis as they really love it there.  I think in a past life, us three girls were New Yorkers! 
Cooper was supposed to see New York this summer.  We had to cancel this trip.  Unforeseen bills have hindered our ability to help him finish paying for his trip and he just didn't come up with the money he had hoped to.  I am heartbroken for him.  He is taking it like a champ and has moved on to the excitement of having $600 in  his savings account that was supposed to go toward that trip.   I am very thankful that my parents are taking us on this trip to North Carolina this summer, so we have something to look forward to and the kids will fly for their first time!  They are most excited about the flying!
But New York, oh New York....how I long to see you again someday.  I long to watch a Broadway show, visit the Statue of Liberty, walk the city streets, eat New York pizza and cheesecake. 
As Superstorm Sandy hits the East Coast, my thoughts and love go out to New York.  We will meet again someday........

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.......I think.

I am searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.  I am so thankful I chose to go back to school, but it's going on seven years now and I'm in the homestretch and I can (sort of) see the light at the end of the tunnel and I still have days where I say "I can't do this."

  Seven years is a long time.  Seven years ago I had a five year old son and a two year old son and Meredyth was just a twinkle in my eye.  Seven years ago I had this BIG dream of just going to school to be an Addictions Counselor and then being done.  Well, once the ball got rolling I realized that an Associates Degree isn't really anything to call home about.  Yes it's a degree, but if you want a REAL career you need to at least have a Bachelors degree if not a Masters.  And that's the thing, I have an end goal.  I want a career, I want a job I love.  I love being a mom and there is definitely something to say for us moms who make staying home work.  (And I've actually never NOT worked outside of the home, but I've always found a way to still be home and raise my kids)  But once Meredyth goes to school, I want something for myself too.  The jobs I've done have all been out of necessity because we needed the extra income, waitressing, working daycare, etc....but once Meredyth is in school, I am so excited to work a job I feel passionate about, a job I can go to and be proud of.  Plus, to have more money coming in will be a fantastic bonus! 

 There are a few options I'm already looking into concerning work, one of which is to go to work on one of the Montana reservations either as a social worker or in the addictions field somehow.  My thought behind this comes from the fact that often times the reservations are so desperate for these kinds of workers, they are willing to pay some or all of your student loans.  Wow, that would absolutely be awesome!!  Seeing as I will have about $65,000 invested in my education, that would be worth it.  My husband thinks this is a great idea too, so that's another bonus.  I definitely want to go into social work of some sort, and am still toying with the idea of doing the Addictions internship and become a Licensed Addictions Counselor.  No matter what, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but am still not close enough to pat myself on the back.  I still have one and a half semesters to trudge through and they are hard.  My experimental Psych class is so far the hardest class I've taken.  I am struggling with theories and statistics.

  My kids are amazing in every way and so supportive of me through this journey.  Two years ago when I was taking classes in Great Falls on weekends, my husband would just do his thing.  He is my rock, my support and tells me he is proud of me so often.  I don't know what I would do without him.  Speaking of Great Falls, that was seriously the most amazing experience in my life.  The professor for both of those classes was Dr. Marinn Pierce.  She was the single most amazing and inspiring woman I've ever met.  She challenged us daily and her ideas were so fresh and exciting and her classes were engaging and BEYOND COOL!  She is no longer at UGF but I have to say, I feel so blessed to have been able to experience her as a teacher.  Through both of those classes (techniques of counseling and group counseling) she made it very clear that because of the nature of the classes, we may have times where some of us were upset, emotional, etc.....it was clear that through practicing these techniques, we may succumb to their power during class.  And it did!  More than once!  We often had to pair up and "practice" therapy.  The one time Dr. Pierce was my partner, I ended up needing to take a break because I had an emotional breakdown.  She reinforced my belief that talk therapy WORKS.  (even though I already felt strongly that it does).  She opened my eyes to so many ideas and things that I didn't even know existed.  I am sad that I may never see her again as I truly wish I could carry her in my pocket to share with everyone I encounter.


Well, school is what's on my mind, so that is what this blog was about.  If you are a friend of mine, I am not very available at this time.  Sure I go on Facebook quite often, but when I'm already at my computer.......I may as well check Facebook.  Almost any time you see me post on Facebook it is because at that exact moment, I am writing a paper, taking a quiz, or talking on a discussion board.  Rarely do I sit at my computer just to play. 


Well such is life, I need to get busy with other things.  When the mood hits to write, I need to write, but now it's time to get back to reality.
xoxoxo Liz

Love/Hate relationship

I have decided I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook....well actually people.
I find myself addicted to Facebook and Pinterest....constantly curious of the going-ons in other people's lives.  In all honesty, it's not that I am truly invested in every friend on my list (and you know you all feel the same way)....there are my close family and friends who I keep tabs on daily.  For instance, I like to see the cakes my sister makes, I like to see what my best friend in Oregon is up to and see pictures of her kids, I like to be able to see how my family in North Carolina is doing, which is something that wasn't so easy before fb...things like that are a big reason I'm so invested in Facebook.  Also, pages like the PTO page make it necessary to check it often.  Facebook has become my connection to the world.  When I need to get ahold of someone, I facebook them.  I'm a little different than  most, as I don't carry my cell phone like my life depends on it.  Facebook is my cell phone. 
But Facebook has become hard to "face"!  I love my friends and family so much, but sometimes the constant posts of how I "should" be living my life just bring me down.  Examples of posts that do not lift me up but bring me down:
*Going to church won't make you anymore of a Christian than going to a garage will make you a car. (great, now I feel like shit for going to church and trying to get something out of it)
*Be fit or fat....it's your choice. (great now I feel like shit for not being fit.)
*any and all posts having to do with how only stupid/ignorant/lazy people are overweight and/or out of shape. (thank you, your insistent and condescending posts have DEFINITELY made me want to be healthy and fit just like you.)
*condescending posts concerning things I am passionate about such as gun control and womens rights. (oh my goodness, of COURSE you look super tough now because you have made it very clear how many guns you own  and I am super scared of you now.......said no-one ever.)

Granted, only I can control my reaction to what others posts, it's their prerogative, their right to post this stuff.  And most certainly, it's not directed at me anyways, right?  But that's my two cents on that subject-just what I'm feeling today.