I choose to live by my own rules

Well, needless to say it has been a whirlwind at my house-the last two weekends have been saturated with birthday parties and all the jazz that comes along with it. 

And don't misunderstand me, I do love it, because I love to see my kids happy and I love to celebrate their birth.......after all, the births of my children are my best and favorite memories.  But, that said-pheeeeeeewwwww!  I'm so glad it's done(at least for the boys) for now.  For Meredyth's 4th birthday we will just have a family gathering.....I refuse to do the big parties until they're in school and have classmates, etc....too much work and I personally don't want to have to deal with other people's children until absolutely necessary. 

It is moments like now, when I'm exhausted from two weekends in a row of birthday parties, I rememeber that I am in a good place with my kids.  Sure, I absolutely cherish those moments when I gave birth, when I held my newborn.......but I'm so over it.  I'm so past that stage in my life.  God bless the wonderful folks who have more babies, more power to them and I respect their decision (and I love to snuggle OTHER people's babies-because I can give them back), but pheeeeeeeewww, thank God I'm where I am.  I'm ready for the moments ahead with my children at the ages they are at.  Watching Cooper and all of the changes he is going through, his cracking voice and his strange little fuzzy mustache that seems to be sprouting.  (still not sure when they start shaving, but his upper lip looks like something from an 80's movie)  Watching Rafe move into the double digits with ease, walking to and from the school bus daily like such a big kid.  Then, Meredyth......such a "big" little girl.  Almost a year past being potty trained and having a binky-those days seem so long ago.  She loves to paint her nails, write her name and numbers (although this is a work in progress) and is finally coming out of her shell with other kids......to an extent. 

I'm in a good place. 

I have had a couple good months of....how shall I word it.......coming into myself, finding myself, prioritizing.  My future career is becoming a reality.  For 13 years, I have worked around my kids.  When Cooper and Rafe were babies, I worked in a daycare, so I could be with my babies, yet still provide income for our household.  It was pretty ideal, really.  I was paid decent and I didn't have to pay a penny for my boys to be there.  And I loved it then.  I could never do daycare again. 

Then I moved into different various part time jobs/odd jobs such as delivering the Great Falls tribune, waitressing, trying to sell Southern Living at Home products (those at home businesses are WAY too much work in my opinion), selling Avon, and babysitting in my home. 

Well, once I had one degree, I decided I needed to get experience in the field I eventually want to work in, which is the field of human services.  So, for two years now I have been working as a Therapeutic Youth Mentor for Yellowstone Boys and Girls ranch.  I do enjoy it, the kids I've worked with are beyond awesome.  BUT, I'm ready for something new.  I'm ready to do something bigger.  And honestly, I don't ever want to work with kids again.  I'm not saying I won't, God only knows what I will end up doing once I'm looking, but I know for a fact that I don't want to work with youth as a permanent career path.  And it's nothing against them....seriously.  I just want to do something different.  I don't want to get a job that when people hear I'm doing it, they'll say....oh that makes sense, that's a good fit.  Fuck that. 

Granted, I'm nothing special, but I didn't do all of the coursework I do simply to be a mentor or babysitter for the rest of my life.  My degrees will be Addictions Counseling and Psychology, the coursework I have taken ranges from Psychology to Sociology to Criminology.  Because of my experience with my current job, I most definitely have two years now under my belt of working directly with the counseling/psychology field.  This is good.  I want more.  I have honestly never been so excited in my life to start the new chapter that will be my career.  How many of you can say that?  Now, because I still have a three year old at home and one semester left of school, the career has to go on hold, and that's okay.  More time to prepare.  Right?

Now to the other aspects of my life.  There is a small part of me that started to feel old about a year ago.  Overweight, tired, graying hair, new wrinkles.  Then also within this past year I was confronted with the ordeal within my uterus (unknown cyst-is it cancer?  I won't know until they get it out).....so I face a hysterectomy.  All the women i speak with rave about how wonderful it is to never have a period again, to be rid of all of that.

 I firmly believe this impending hysterectomy is what has really changed me.  To begin with, I was faced with the possibility of having cancer.  Although slim (THANK YOU GOD), the chance that it was in there petrified me and still does.  Then there was the idea that the parts of my body that brought my three babies into this world would be removed, made me physically and emotionally ill.  Call me crazy, but I actually don't mind my period and since I've never suffered from PMS, cramps or any of that junk very badly, it just isn't the nuisance to me that others bitch about.  The only reason I am getting this surgery is to get rid of that damn cyst.

 I don't feel old anymore, though.  I feel like I'm becoming who I am meant to be. 

My family is my priority. 

I'm not investing time into relationships that don't nurture me and help me grow.  I am not doing "fake" anymore.  It's a waste of my precious time.  I am a grown up and respect everyone from my life, past and present.  I won't pull stupid kid games, such as gossiping about you......or my favorite, unfriending and blocking you on Facebook (that gives me a giggle just saying it-sounds like something my 13 year old son would be all up in arms about).  I have more important things going on.  My husband, my children, my parents, sisters, grandma, aunts, cousins and my school and future career.....they get my attention.  As it should be.  If you are kind to me, I will be kind to you.  But the truth is, I used to care what others thought of me and I just don't do that anymore.  I really don't.

I have always loved to read.  I have always convinced myself that when I'm taking classes, I don't have time to read anything but school texts.  Not anymore.  Now, I make time to read a good book.  It really is my favorite thing in the whole world, to get that giddy feeling in my stomach I get when I can't wait to get back to a book I'm reading. 

I love laughing with my sisters.  I love that they are the two people in the world who know me best.  I love that when I complain, they cheer me on and validate my feelings.  I love that when I cry happy tears, they cry with me.  I love that they never criticize me and always stand by my side no matter what.  I love that for 35 years, these two women have become nothing short of my soul mates.  I sometimes joke about the power of 3 (google if you don't know what I'm talking about).  We can read each others' minds often, we sometimes finish each others' sentences and when we get together, the entire world around us disappears. (Just ask my mom)

This is one of those moments, where I shout from the rooftops, "Life is Grand!"  I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I make my own rules and it feels good.