birthday ponderings

I am 35 years old today. 
16 years ago, if you had asked me what I would be doing at age 35, I probably would have told you I wouldn't be alive.  No, I don't have some courageous story about a heroic battle with disease or a near miss car accident or a heroic battle as a soldier or something along those lines, and I thank God for that every day.  I do have a messed up story of a lost little girl who believed drugs and alcohol made dreams come true and that sex = love.

This little girl didn't know what to do after high school, this little girl had average grades and a broken teenage heart and instead of letting this make her stronger, let it partially destroy her and define her.  I left high school and to make a long story short, became involved with a rough crowd.  I drank heavily, became a smoker and experimented with drugs that shall remain nameless.  I fell for this guy, a cook at the restaurant where I was a waitress.  In hindsight, oh my gosh-he was just a kid!  But back then, we were close in age and I worshiped the ground he walked on.  He liked me, but far from as much as I liked him. 

But I was blind to that at the time.  Now as a mother of sons, I look at "that Liz" and think....oh my God, I hope my sons never have a crazy like her in their lives. 
Without going into detail and to make a long story short, the shooting happened (and those of you who know me know what I'm talking about.)  Although I definitely didn't spend every night in this boys bed, I very often did sleep there.  But I thank God I wasn't there this fateful night, this night when this boy, this boy I desperately cherished and adored, was murdered.  Along with his brother, he was brutally murdered in his own bed as he slept. 

For the record, this boy has and always will hold a piece of my heart.  I will never forget him, I think of him often and who he would be today and that will never change.

But after this, my life changed.  I was scared straight and began to turn my life around.  I quit using drugs and drinking. 

I was still lost and well......I think I might still be a little lost today.  Who isn't though, right? 

The day my husband came into my life truly saved me.  My husband has showed me unconditional love, my husband has taught me to be a better person and is always encouraging and loving when it comes to me and my dreams. 

I sometimes look back and think, wow......there's a chance if things had been different, I might not be here.  But instead of wallowing in the horrible that could have been, I look to the Heavens and say thank you....thank you for another chance, thank you for another day.

  I trip and fall everyday.

 I fail Him EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

But each day is a new beginning......and as I start my 35th birthday, I will be grateful and thank Him.  Instead of letting bad things invade my spirit, instead of letting negativity weigh me down and define me, I will learn from my mistakes, I will be STRONGER because of these things. 

And now I have to teach my kids what I didn't know at 19.  It's okay to mess up, it's okay to have your heart broken, it's okay to make some bad decisions.  And as a Psych major, I would say EMBRACE those feelings, acknowledge them and let them invade your soul for a little while!!

BUT instead of taking the "easy" road out, when life knocks you flat-STAND UP, dust off your butt, look fear and worry and uncertainty right in the eyes and say "Is that all you got bitch?"