As I sit here, my mind is a jumble. There is a part of me that likes it, the to-do list, the people who need me....not gonna lie...it feels good. But then I think of what I'm not doing, little things like walk through the crunchy leaves with my kids---and I get a little bummed.
The week that I was sincerely worried I might have cancer put things into perspective a bit. Besides the fact that I couldn't stop crying, I kept thinking of my kids. What would they remember about me? How would they picture me after I was gone? What would they tell their kids about me? I woke up at 2am, crying uncontrollably.......there's no way to console someone who is facing the idea of death. I just felt like there was no turning back.
I am thankful to report, that although I still need the hysterectomy, Dr. Kent says there is a slim to no chance of cancer. Relief. The surgery still weighs heavily on my mind and scares me TO DEATH. I think we are waiting until January to do it, for financial reasons. I wouldn't mind getting it over with now, but there's another part of me that is glad I don't have to think about it until then.
Back to my to-do list. I am the new secretary of the PTO along with also being the volunteer coordinator. These are big jobs. I have at least one meeting a week and it's a little overwhelming. Then there's school. I should graduate in May, I'm taking senior level courses....this needs no explanation. Lots of homework and studying. ugh. Then there's my job. Thank God it's only part time, but it's still there. Something else to fit in. 10 hours a week approximately. Then there's my family. Oh my goodness, Cooper has football, boy scouts, confirmation, youth group and the side jobs he's still trying to do to make money for his trip next summer. Rafe has after school art and cub scouts at this point. Rafe also has many many extras to go along with school because of his reading disorder......30 minutes a night of him reading to us along with his regular homework and going over spelling a bazillion times. Then let's add in Meredyth! Oh thank goodness my sweet girl's schedule isn't too full yet! She just goes with the flow and I have felt kind of shitty lately because she's constantly going along with everyone else's flow, not to have anything of her own, soooo I have started taking her to story hour at the library pretty regularly. She LOVES it!! She loves finding the mouse and doing the craft, it's been so good for her. And to watch her look like such a big girl with all of the other "preschoolers" melts my heart. I actually shed a few tears each Friday watching her be such a big girl. I have had others ask me why she's not in preschool. Why is everyone else so eager to be rid of their kids? I don't get it! She's only 3, I'm not sending her to preschool!
Needless to say, I'm vowing to not lose sight of what's really important in the craziness of life. It's hard, but my kids are growing up so fast. In five years my Cooper will be six months away from LEAVING HOME....off to college. Huh!??! Where has the time gone?
Soooo I'm off to crunch some leaves with my daughter:)
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