After reading an online argument concerning the choice to be a stay at home mom or a working mom, I had all these thoughts going through my head and I felt the need to share. I think I have some good points as I’ve been all over the spectrum. When I first had Cooper, I worked full time in a daycare facility, and it worked well for our family. I was able to bring in an income while having my son right there with me all day. It was ideal, but I always longed to be a stay at home mom. I kept working daycare for years, until Rafe was four (I think). I then went from working full time to doing part-time odd jobs, from waitressing to delivering newspapers, etc. During this I would also take times to just not work and be home, but usually for no more than a couple of months. This summer, I chose to be a stay at home mom full time. So I’m hoping my perspective can give strong points from both sides and I hope all moms will get something out of it and feel empowered by the choice they have made for their own unique family situation.
PRO STAY AT HOME MOM
Here’s a point I’ve heard concerning stay-at-home moms; they have so much freedom! No job tying them down Monday through Friday, day after day, week after week. They don’t have to take a shower every day or struggle with getting into pantyhose and makeup by 730am.
Now I ask you to reconsider your idea of freedom. Yes, you’re right, as a SAHM, I have often not showered until 10am, and thankfully my daywear usually includes yoga pants, t-shirts and a ponytail, for the most part. But I am also tied down in my own way.
While you get to take your lunch break from work or enjoy lunch out with a co-worker or friend, knowing your kids are safe at the sitters or daycare, I am at home, re-heating last night’s meatloaf for a “seriously ready for a nap” two year old. While you laugh over something that happened at this morning’s meeting on your coffee break, I am listening to “The Wheels on the Bus” for the 453rd time while grocery shopping on a ONE INCOME BUDGET.
Remember that day you were not feeling well? Yeah, you were able to still send your kids to daycare so you could stay home in bed to rest and get well. SAHM do not get that luxury. When we are sick, we still need to take care of our children.
And remember that snide comment you made about how “of course you’re house is clean, you’re able to stay at home all day and keep it clean.”
Sure, I may be able to do my cleaning while my child is (hopefully) napping, but have you ever considered that we are at home all day, USING our house? We are making dirty dishes, dirty floors, messes everywhere, while you are at work and your house stays empty and un-used. And what, does that mean you think I spend my days dusting and scrubbing floors? Nice, real nice. So what’s your excuse for a messy house, oh important working mom? I mean, nobody’s even home to make it dirty!
And do you know how often I have other moms (mostly working ones) ask me for assistance. Well I’m home all day anyways, what else would I want to do but help a friend, right? I’m the call moms make when their kid needs a ride, when their regular babysitter fell through, when they just realized they won’t make it to the pharmacy before it closes…so who do they call? ME. Or consider all of the volunteer programs begging for me to help…..PTA and other school related or community related organizations. I’m JUST a stay at home mom, right? I have all the time in the world, right?
I have seen the poster, the one in the condescending tone that says something like “Yeah, I’m a wife and a mom, but I also have this little thing called a job.”
That is so distasteful, so rude. Yes, you are a wife and a mom and you have a job. But who watches your kids while you are at this job? Who changes their diapers, feeds them, wipes their snotty noses, cuddles them when they cry, and disciplines them?? Certainly not you, because YOU are at your job, remember?? Don’t act as though the mere fact that you can hold down a job AS WELL as be a mom and a wife makes you Superwoman, because you’re not. You are not at home with your kids WHILE working; you are at your job INSTEAD of doing mom duty full time.
While your child is spending the majority of their first years with a “teacher”, I am choosing to be the teacher. After all, they’re only little for a short time and who better to “teach” them than their own mother?
I love being a stay at home mom and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
PRO WORKING OUTSIDE OF THE HOME MOM
What about the idea that I WANT to work? Does that make me a bad mom? What about the fact that I may not have the luxury of NOT working? Yes, I said luxury. One thing some SAHM’s don’t realize is that more often than not, it’s not a choice all moms can make. We can’t live on one income. I HAVE TO WORK. Appreciate what you have. Appreciate that you are ABLE to stay at home with your kids. It is a luxury and a privilege.
As a working mom, I want my kids to see strength, perseverance, and a strong woman role model! Why does my husband have to be the breadwinner? Just because I am a mom, doesn’t mean I can’t also follow my own dreams. After all, I want my kids to follow theirs, don’t I? I don’t want my daughters to think they need to spend their adult lives with a baby attached to their boob, barefoot, pregnant and at their husband’s beck and call. Can anybody say 1950??
And yes, it drives me nuts to see that as a stay at home mom, you don’t volunteer for more! For God’s sake, you don’t have a job! I have a job and STILL manage to volunteer. Why should I have to shoulder everything, when you have so much free time? Oh that’s right, you’re too busy attending play dates and participating in “mommy and me” functions.
I am passionate about my work and I know it makes me a better human being and a better mom. At least when I get home from work, I spend the time I do have with my kids enjoying them, playing with them, and cherishing every moment. You might be sick of your kids and ready for a break from them, while I can’t wait to see them at the end of the day.
I am sick of the guilt. I don’t appreciate the look you give me when I discuss my job. I don’t appreciate the assumption that all kids need their mom home with them. It’s simply not true for all kids.
I am glad to see that your idea of being a good mom depends on which organic fruit you are going to introduce to your six month old and that your child can make homemade play-doh while you journal every second of their life. But your constant reminder of what an amazing mom you are (whether through constant Facebook updates or blog posts-yeah, I see how much time you spend on Facebook, don’t act like you don’t) only makes you look BORING.
Yes, I see your organic, free range chicken casserole with the salad and tomatoes you grew in your garden. Sure, I might have thrown together a quick pot of spaghetti or we might even go through McDonalds for dinner, but guess what? I saw you go through that drive thru last week, so don’t you judge me.
I love being a working outside of the home mom and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
END
I tried to write each section of this from the point of view of a generic stay at home mom and a generic working mom. Yes they are thoughts that have gone through my head from time to time, but since I have been BOTH a SAHM and a working mom (mostly working, I have to admit so I think I picked on working moms a little more just to even out the idea that I might be partial to them), I feel I am giving a strong perspective and I hope my opinions show my strive to be fair to both sides. And to show that neither is necessarily the better choice. You have to make the right choice for YOU.
The point is this…..why should moms hate on each other? We should work together and support each other. Each choice has its struggles AND its rewards. Sometimes we SAHM are SO JEALOUS that we can’t wear nice clothes once in a while or SO JEALOUS that we can’t have lunch with our husband without a 3 year old glued to our knee…ever. Sometimes we working moms are SO JEALOUS that we can’t volunteer more in our kids’ classroom or just watch one freaking episode of The Ellen show!
Isn’t that what it all boils down to? A little bit of jealousy (the grass IS always greener on the other side, right?), a little bit of guilt (am I a good mom?!?!?!?).
Each family is unique and each family is different. What works for one family won’t work for another. Don’t judge! Embrace the uniqueness and wonderfulness that each family has to offer!
We all need to do what is right for OUR OWN family, not worry about what someone else thinks. But the society we live in is unforgiving and judgmental. Fight against that! Don’t let that make you bitter. Choose to respect others’ choices and treat everyone with dignity. Choose to assume the best in others and choose peace.
On a personal note, I am excited to be going back to work. For 13 years, I have worked close to minimum wage jobs, part time, weekends, evenings and it has SUCKED. I spent this last summer as a SAHM and although I enjoyed it immensely, I am a better mom when I am also doing something outside of the home.
To ALL MOMS OUT THERE!!!! Stay at home, working, part time working, moms going to school, single moms just trying to get by! YOU ROCK! And I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment