Stay-at-home moms and working-outside-of-the-home moms-is one really better than the other?!?!

After reading an online argument concerning the choice to be a stay at home mom or a working mom, I had all these thoughts going through my head and I felt the need to share.  I think I have some good points as I’ve been all over the spectrum.  When I first had Cooper, I worked full time in a daycare facility, and it worked well for our family.  I was able to bring in an income while having my son right there with me all day.  It was ideal, but I always longed to be a stay at home mom.  I kept working daycare for years, until Rafe was four (I think).  I then went from working full time to doing part-time odd jobs, from waitressing to delivering newspapers, etc.  During this I would also take times to just not work and be home, but usually for no more than a couple of months.  This summer, I chose to be a stay at home mom full time.  So I’m hoping my perspective can give strong points from both sides and I hope all moms will get something out of it and feel empowered by the choice they have made for their own unique family situation.

PRO STAY AT HOME MOM

Here’s a point I’ve heard concerning stay-at-home moms; they have so much freedom!  No job tying them down Monday through Friday, day after day, week after week.  They don’t have to take a shower every day or struggle with getting into pantyhose and makeup by 730am. 

Now I ask you to reconsider your idea of freedom.  Yes, you’re right, as a SAHM, I have often not showered until 10am, and thankfully my daywear usually includes yoga pants, t-shirts and a ponytail, for the most part.  But I am also tied down in my own way. 

While you get to take your lunch break from work or enjoy lunch out with a co-worker or friend, knowing your kids are safe at the sitters or daycare, I am at home, re-heating last night’s meatloaf for a “seriously ready for a nap” two year old.  While you laugh over something that happened at this morning’s meeting on your coffee break, I am listening to “The Wheels on the Bus” for the 453^rd time while grocery shopping on a ONE INCOME BUDGET.

Remember that day you were not feeling well?  Yeah, you were able to still send your kids to daycare so you could stay home in bed to rest and get well.  SAHM do not get that luxury.  When we are sick, we still need to take care of our children. 

And remember that snide comment you made about how “of course you’re house is clean, you’re able to stay at home all day and keep it clean.” 

Sure, I may be able to do my cleaning while my child is (hopefully) napping, but have you ever considered that we are at home all day, USING our house?  We are making dirty dishes, dirty floors, messes everywhere, while you are at work and your house stays empty and un-used.  And what, does that mean you think I spend my days dusting and scrubbing floors?  Nice, real nice.  So what’s your excuse for a messy house, oh important working mom?  I mean, nobody’s even home to make it dirty!

And do you know how often I have other moms (mostly working ones) ask me for assistance.  Well I’m home all day anyways, what else would I want to do but help a friend, right?  I’m the call moms make when their kid needs a ride, when their regular babysitter fell through, when they just realized they won’t make it to the pharmacy before it closes…so who do they call?  ME.  Or consider all of the volunteer programs begging for me to help…..PTA and other school related or community related organizations.  I’m JUST  a stay at home mom, right?  I have all the time in the world, right?

I have seen the poster, the one in the condescending tone that says something like “Yeah, I’m a wife and a mom, but I also have this little thing called a job.” 

That is so distasteful, so rude.  Yes, you are a wife and a mom and you have a job.  But who watches your kids while you are at this job?  Who changes their diapers, feeds them, wipes their snotty noses, cuddles them when they cry, and disciplines them??  Certainly not you, because YOU are at your job, remember??  Don’t act as though the mere fact that you can hold down a job AS WELL as be a mom and a wife makes you Superwoman, because you’re not.  You are not at home with your kids WHILE working; you are at your job INSTEAD of doing mom duty full time. 

While your child is spending the majority of their first years with a “teacher”, I am choosing to be the teacher.  After all, they’re only little for a short time and who better to “teach” them than their own mother?

I love being a stay at home mom and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

PRO WORKING OUTSIDE OF THE HOME MOM

What about the idea that I WANT to work?  Does that make me a bad mom?  What about the fact that I may not have the luxury of NOT working?  Yes, I said luxury.  One thing some SAHM’s don’t realize is that more often than not, it’s not a choice all moms can make.  We can’t live on one income.  I HAVE TO WORK.  Appreciate what you have.  Appreciate that you are ABLE to stay at home with your kids.  It is a luxury and a privilege. 

As a working mom, I want my kids to see strength, perseverance, and a strong woman role model!  Why does my husband have to be the breadwinner?  Just because I am a mom, doesn’t mean I can’t also follow my own dreams.  After all, I want my kids to follow theirs, don’t I?  I don’t want my daughters to think they need to spend their adult lives with a baby attached to their boob, barefoot, pregnant and at their husband’s beck and call.  Can anybody say 1950??

And yes, it drives me nuts to see that as a stay at home mom, you don’t volunteer for more!  For God’s sake, you don’t have a job!  I have a job and STILL manage to volunteer.  Why should I have to shoulder everything, when you have so much free time?  Oh that’s right, you’re too busy attending play dates and participating in  “mommy and me” functions.

I am passionate about my work and I know it makes me a better human being and a better mom.  At least when I get home from work, I spend the time I do have with my kids enjoying them, playing with them, and cherishing every moment.  You might be sick of your kids and ready for a break from them, while I can’t wait to see them at the end of the day. 

I am sick of the guilt.  I don’t appreciate the look you give me when I discuss my job.  I don’t appreciate the assumption that all kids need their mom home with them.  It’s simply not true for all kids.

I am glad to see that your idea of being a good mom depends on which organic fruit you are going to introduce to your six month old and that your child can make homemade play-doh while you journal every second of their life.  But your constant reminder of what an amazing mom you are (whether through constant Facebook updates or blog posts-yeah, I see how much time you spend on Facebook, don’t act like you don’t)  only makes  you look BORING.

 Yes, I see your organic, free range chicken casserole with the salad and tomatoes you grew in your garden.  Sure, I might have thrown together a quick pot of spaghetti or we might even go through McDonalds for dinner, but guess what?  I saw you go through that drive thru last week, so don’t you judge me. 

I love being a working outside of the home mom and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

END

I tried to write each section of this from the point of view of a generic stay at home mom and a generic working mom.  Yes they are thoughts that have gone through my head from time to time, but since I have been BOTH a SAHM and a working mom (mostly working, I have to admit so I think I picked on working moms a little more just to even out the idea that I might be partial to them), I feel I am giving a strong perspective and I hope my opinions show my strive to be fair to both sides.  And to show that neither is necessarily the better choice.  You have to make the right choice for YOU.

The point is this…..why should moms hate on each other?  We should work together and support each other.  Each choice has its struggles AND its rewards.  Sometimes we SAHM are SO JEALOUS that we can’t wear nice clothes once in a while or SO JEALOUS that we can’t have lunch with our husband without a 3 year old glued to our knee…ever.  Sometimes we working moms are SO JEALOUS that we can’t volunteer more in our kids’ classroom or just watch one freaking episode of The Ellen show!

 Isn’t that what it all boils down to?  A little bit of jealousy (the grass IS always greener on the other side, right?), a little bit of guilt (am I a good mom?!?!?!?). 

Each family is unique and each family is different.  What works for one family won’t work for another.  Don’t judge!  Embrace the uniqueness and wonderfulness that each family has to offer! 

We all need to do what is right for OUR OWN family, not worry about what someone else thinks.  But the society we live in is unforgiving and judgmental.  Fight against that!  Don’t let that make you bitter.  Choose to respect others’ choices and treat everyone with dignity.  Choose to assume the best in others and choose peace.

On a personal note, I am excited to be going back to work.  For 13 years, I have worked close to minimum wage jobs, part time, weekends, evenings and it has SUCKED.  I spent this last summer as a SAHM and although I enjoyed it immensely, I am a better mom when I am also doing something outside of the home. 

To ALL MOMS OUT THERE!!!!  Stay at home, working, part time working, moms going to school, single moms just trying to get by!  YOU ROCK!  And I love you. 

Thank you

Thank you

• to my husband......who has supported me on this journey from the very beginning, who has allowed me to close myself in my bedroom for hours at a time so I could do homework, who has rubbed my sore back and neck after I've sat on my bed with a laptop in my lap for hours, who has listened to me vent, cry and scream expletives at my computer, who has encouraged me every...single...step...of the way, and who reminds me always how proud of me he is.
• to my children......my three little loves, my reason for dreaming big, for pursuing my education.  Because I know I am better than a minimum wage job, I know I am better than the B and C student I was in high school, I know I have more potential than 15 year old Liz Bunn EVER imagined.  YOU are who made me who I am.  Before you were born, I could never imagine I could feel proud of myself, I never realized what an amazing person I could be.  You helped me to see that.  I look at you and I see hope, I see three beautiful, amazing beings who deserve to have a role model who loves herself, who dreams big, who fights for what is right and who never stops learning.  I want that for you.  I want you to know that you can do anything you put your mind to.  I want you to never give up, to never underestimate the power of one.  In many ways, my journey has just begun, and I have many many struggles ahead as I try to figure out where to go from here, what my career will be....but you three will help to keep me moving forward.  And I hope you will always remember how important it is to have an education and to never stop being full of wonder and curiousity and I hope you always thirst for knowledge the way I have learned to.
• to my sisters......who have been on the other end of the phone listening to me describe an exciting class I'm taking, engaged as I have explained an amazing professor I'm working with or an interesting fact I've learned, but also listening to me vent, cry and scream expletives!  My sisters who have cried with me, laughed with me, and always, always tell me how proud of me they are.
• to my parents......always there to offer encouragement, even if they've never really understood my desire to go back to school.  (they know I didn't take to it too well the first 12 years,right?)  For the hugs, the "You know how proud of you we are, don't you?"  I do, mom and dad...I really do.
• to my extended family, my grandma and aunt Sue, who have also repeatedly told me how proud they are of me.  Even with children and lives of their own, they have always become engaged when I talk about school and supported me.
• to my friends......I'm sorry for being distracted for the last seven years.  Thank you for realizing that sometimes in order to keep my family and children first, yet still have my dream a priority, my friendships sometimes dwindled and were often neglected. Thank you for understanding and being patient with me.  And for those who've moved on, believe me when I say, I have no hard feelings.  I understand.
• finally, thank you to those moms who have done this before me, for you are who inspired me to begin this journey in the first place.  On this Mothers Day, I salute your courage, strength, and determination.

                                            Below are two pics, one of me on graduation day and another of the cake my sister made for me.  Well, let me tell ya, this cake is a prime example of the way my sisters and I think.  It's obviously very sarcastic and supposed to be funny, but we have had a few people shake their head and not get it.  Believe me, it's A JOKE.  This is the kind of sarcasm and dry wit we share and I just like to believe we are just so advanced in our sarcasm, others just aren't up to our standards.  I guess it's one of those things...if you get it, you get it.

small towns

I love Lewistown.  I enjoy the small town life, knowing I can walk anywhere, knowing that (for the most part) I am safe, my kids are safe.  Knowing my kids can walk and ride their bikes to school and it's not too far.  I love walking into the Jr. High with my son and pointing out things from when I went to that very same Jr. High.  I love the history, I love sharing stories about this small town with my kids, using the 'ol "When I was your age........" 
But it's a catch 22, as almost everything is.  I dislike that I can't go to the store, looking like crap and feel anonymous.  There's always someone to run into......your co-worker, your cousin, your husband's friend, etc....And that's it.....I NEVER get to feel anonymous.  And living in a town where not only did I grow up, but my mom and grandparents also grew up makes it even more difficult.  First of all, I'm related to half the dang town, I swear. 
Then there's all of the folks who say "You're a Tindall, right?" or "You're one of the Bunn girls, right?"  Yes, yes I am.  And add my husband's grandpa into the mix, I now get "Oh you're married to Doc Bruchez's grandson?"
Now 90% of the time, it's cool, it really is.  I definitely like it way more than I dislike it.  There are just times, I look at my husband and say, Can't we just move??  If I'm angry with someone, I don't want to have to see them around every corner.  If I know there's a particular person my son doesn't get along with at school, I seriously don't want to have to run into his mom....his dad......his siblings....his aunts and uncles.....around every freaking corner. 
One particular situation that comes to mind to describe what I'm feeling involves the lady from the hospital who did a medical procedure on me, something private.  Not only do our kids go to school together, she also goes to my church and is my sisters' next door neighbor.  I mean, seriously!  (And of course these things aren't anyone's fault, it's just the way it is!)
For the most part, I'm a narcissist and an open book.  I'm trying really hard to change.  I've looked back at how I've been in the past, and I don't like what I see.  The self involved, narcissistic me who tends to think everything is about me.  In this journey, it's drawing out this side of me that craves privacy and understanding.  It's helping me to realize who I can truly count on and who matters most.  It's making me want to leave Lewistown.
But Lewistown has my heart, it always will, even if I do leave.  Lewistown is home.  I can walk down Main Street Lewistown and jog a memory to share with my kids.  Nothing can replace that, nothing can compare to that. 

Can I do it?

Okay, so I'm not proud to admit this, actually I'm pretty embarassed.  But there's a part of me hoping that writing about it and sharing my anxieties will help me. 
I am afraid to fly.
Seriously afraid.
Need to get drunk to fly.
Need prescription sedatives to fly.
I may have an extreme panic attack and freak out while flying.

My entire family is taking this amazing trip in June.  We are all flying to North Carolina for two weeks of the beach(Rodanthe is where our beach house is....yes, the Nicholas Sparks book & Richard Gere movie Rodanthe), two weeks of exploring the Bunn family roots (my dad was born and raised there), two weeks of fun and sun!  I can't wait!

Oh wait....yes I can.  We.......are......flying.

Now I have flown a few times in my life.  In 5th grade I flew to New York, when I was 18 I flew to Spokane, then when I was 19 I flew from Billings to Denver to Newark, New Jersey.  Then on the way back, I was supposed to fly the same route and because of the weather ended up flying Newark to Dallas to Chicago (where there was a white out no less) then to Denver back to Billings. 

I haven't flown since I was 19. 

Now a kink has been added to our flight, not a big one, but one that gave me some extreme anxiety.  All 11 of us were supposed to be on the same flights.  Great, right?  Well, pretty much the same ended up being the case, except for a small part of the trek----All 11 of us will fly from Billings to Denver to Laguardia in New York, THEN my husband seperates from me and the kids and flies with my sister and her kids the rest of the trek, while I fly from New York to Raleigh/Durham with my kids and the rest of my family.  It gives me extreme anxiety to not have my husband with me, even just that small amount of the trip.

Matt is my heart, Matt is my soul, Matt is my calm. 
I am scared.  I am a loser because I'm such a scaredy cat dork.  I am afraid.

 

fingers positioned, searching for Zen

Here we go...it's getting about that time, that time I begin to feel extremely overwhelmed. 
Into the thick of my classes, starting to remember how sick of school I am, readings deeper, papers more demanding. 
Kids, oh so busy!  I had to spend two days in Gt. Falls this week for Cooper's ortho appointments, had a scuffle with our orthodontist who has a nasty bedside manner.....I honestly have concerns he has Aspergers.  Then Valentines for Rafe, we were a bit more creative this year, which was awesome, but time consuming.  Coop has jazz night, band concerts, a school dance-Rafe has a science fair to work on(which, as you all know, seriously has to have a large amount of parent involvement), cub scout memorization, the Blue Gold dinner on Sunday we need to have a daddy/son dessert for and patches sewed on his uniform.......
My house looks like a bomb went off, there is literally crud building up along the kitchen and bathroom floor.  My kids had to dig through the dryer for clean socks and there's about two weeks worth of dog hair built up on our bedsheets.  *sigh*
Meredyth seems to go along for the ride.  I try to make sure she gets to pray and play and library, just to get her some socialization, but she's so wonderful entertaining herself when I'm in class or cleaning house (not that cleaning has happened anytime recently), knowing that we get to snuggle and read stories and play together most of the day. 
What I need right now is about three days of nothing so I can regroup and get my house whipped into shape...I need three days of no work, no school, no kids, so I can turn on some music and go to town with this house.  When my house is like this, I can't breathe, I feel cluttered and scattered!! 
My bedroom seems to be a catch all right now, which makes me sad because our beautiful bed is less than a year old, our new paint job and new bedspread, all covered in laundry, college texts and books I want to read. 
I over-analyze every aspect of my life....how I parent, what kind of wife I am, how I eat, how I sleep, how I behave with my husband, my friends, my life choices.  Funny thing is....not to toot my own horn (most Psych majors are this way), I'm pretty good at analyzing OTHERS, but I most certainly know better than to analyze myself.  Others behavior, others quirks, others way of living----I can tell you why you do something, I can tell what your thought process is, I can psychoanalyze every aspect of your behavior.....and I bet almost perfectly.  I tend to stay quiet, there's a sneaky part of me that knows why you do what you do, that knows where some of your deep seeded issues come from, it's all part of what has been pounded into me through seven years of school, this has been what I live and breathe, learning how to psychoanalyze everything and anything.  By the book.  (and I say "by the book" to make the point that, of course, I'm not a psychologist, I don't claim to always be 100% accurate in my thoughts, and I don't actually share with you what I think of you in this manner, I just mean I can't help myself from processing what others' do and say and going through what I've been taught over and over, simply because it's what I'm going to school for, what I'm being trained to do, I can't help it)
But, that's the struggle.  How to go through my life and NOT psychoanalyze MYSELF.  Quit beating myself up, quit reading into my own behaviors, when that's just not my job.  Time to call and make an appointment with MY therapist :)
Okay, time to get in the shower and hang with my daughter for a few minutes.  Just felt the need to unload my brain for a few minutes :)

Sleep, oh sleep-where art thou.....

This morning as I left for my workout at 5am, Rafe woke up and called for me.  He was visibly upset, about to cry, shaking.  He said he had a bad dream, so I asked him what it was about and he says he can't tell me because it's too scary.  I rub his back, reassure him it was just a dream and move him to my bed with Matt and Meredyth, who had come to bed with us at 3.  Yes, 3. 

Meredyth is four years old and is a strong reminder of why I don't want more babies.  She is like living with an infant she's up so much at night!   She often tosses and turns through the night, she calls out, she screams, she fusses.  Sometimes she thrashes and will literally kick me and scream (all with her eyes closed).  In fact, I think my infants were easier, get up, feed them and burp them and put them back to bed!

And I digress......back to Rafe.  I settle him into my bed, he then says (in a shaky and frightened voice) "Mom, there was a little girl, she kept touching my leg....and she is still in our house."  I reassure him it was just a dream again and leave for my workout.  But now I have the creeps, big time.  Ever since Rafe was little, he sees a little girl quite often, most often in my sister's basement.....but now she frequents our house too. 

So needless to say it was another restless night.  Never in my life have I had trouble sleeping until the past few months.  And it's not just the kids keeping me up, my body just won't go to sleep.  I lay there, my heart racing, my mind racing......next thing I know it's morning and I've looked at the clock 867 times! 

I need to figure out a routine to get myself to sleep better.  I'm terrible about playing on the computer or watching tv before bed, which I know are big no-no's if you are having trouble sleeping.  But evenings are rough for me, I have a hard time winding down.  I'm going to try drinking sleepy time tea, reading my book and see how that goes.  Any other suggestions are welcome!  Happy sleeping friends!

God

The New Year is right around the corner and I am pleased as punch that the world didn't meet it's demise on December 21st.  Not that I truly believed it would, but when anyone predicts the end (especially when it's made into such a spectacle) I have a small nagging worry that "they" might be right.  Of course, they weren't, but needless to say, I didn't feel the joy I usually feel in the coming days leading up to Christmas I usually do....my anxiety was out of control.  And it wasn't just the Mayan prophecy that had me on edge, but other things going on, the typical financial stress of my children's birthdays all landing at Christmas time, school and my surgery. 
I think the one blessing my end of the world anxiety produced was my renewed reminder of God and His ever presence in my life.  Not that I'm the type who only talks to God if I'm needing reassurance or praying for something, I actually pray every single day....I just choose not to push my faith onto others and think it's more of a private thing.  Well, at least that has always been how I thought I felt.
I had a weird "aha" moment at church one morning. 
First of all, the pastor at my church always speaks to me in his sermons.  I find his sermons inspiring and I find myself leaving church each time with more spunk and feeling closer to His word.  Pastor Paul explains things so well!  This "aha" moment made me realize that I WANT to be closer to God...I WANT to learn more about His word!  This does not mean I will start preaching to you or anyone else, as I most definitely don't believe I know more...but I do feel closer....I do feel this amazing comfort that was never quite there before. 
My oldest son has been part of this awakening.  He now has a facebook.  Instead of posting and reposting teenage stuff, his news feed is full of his faith.  He reposts pictures of Jesus that say "Share if you love Jesus" and he "likes" pictures that say "Like if you love Jesus."  Who knew that my 13 year old son's faith would inspire his 35 year old mother?  Cooper frequently reminds me of God's love and reassures me that God is always with us.  I credit his confirmation classes he is currently attending and this amazing church family we have become apart of. 
I have never felt at home in a church like I do in the church I currently attend.  When I walk into my church, I can breathe, I feel safe.  Never in my life have I felt that way before.  I credit God for leading my family to this church.  He knew we needed it.
No matter how I feel, I will always respect those who don't feel the way I do.  I credit my beautiful and wonderful friend Hannah for this.  She is the most Godly person I have ever met.  She and I have been friends since jr. high and not once has she judged me, not once has she condemned me for not having the strong faith her family has.  I have also never known her to do such things as gossip or judge others.  She has always just showed me God.  She has showed me God in her mannerisms, in her smile, in her behavior.  I want to be like that. 
I will fail God, I am not perfect.  But I will strive to please Him everyday.  I only hope it shows.